This excerpt is from my dear friend Solar’s blog while traveling/working in Africa with New Seed
She describes the emotional “imbalance” this otherwise rewarding work can often inflict, in an honest unfiltered way…when someone expresses my emotions perfectly, I’d rather recycle their words…
“Forgive me for not having posted in so long. I’m working in reverse to make sense of my experience here. Every time I’m inspired to share something, it’s about the stresses, the challenges, what-I-would-have-done-differently-had-I-known, what isn’t working, why I feel powerless. etc.
I know there is also much positive but that lens is currently marred. I need the reality of what I’m feeling to be valid. It’s ok that this hasn’t been a Lonely Planet Adventure. I’ve been doing real work with real people, not in order to generate a colorful story or rack up an experience on my Life CV, but to actually help this world in some way. And I’ve gained more respect than you can imagine for the people here who spin gold from dirt. It’s part of why I’ve resisted sharing the challenge every time I feel it. I’m so fucking lucky. I didn’t live through any war. I didn’t see my cousin taken out back and shot between the shoulders. I wasn’t born into slavery. I get how privileged I really am. Even knowing I can eventually leave is a privilege.
I think I’ve just been pounded by a relentlessness from many sides in many unexpected ways with no recovery or reprieve. Knowing the complete picture now would make me set up my life here very differently in order to maintain balance, sanity and safety…Perspective is always a teacher but I may need less of it now to learn the same lessons. I’ve also been completely dependent. I think that has a lot to do with it. Because other people here have been here longer, I’ve just allowed plans to be made. I have given myself little control over my life here beyond some excursions to town… I haven’t set my own boundaries or responded to my own limitations. Because I committed to do a job, I’ve let that commitment and my idea of integrity trump instincts or decisions that would have otherwise protected me. I was dropped into an emotional jungle and I’m finding my way into the clearing.” Thanks for letting me post, I feel your sediments exactly.